Snowflakes and Joy

                                                                                  Thanksgiving is over and the season of Advent has begun. For many Christians it is a time to eagerly prepare and await Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. A time to celebrate the birth of the King of all Kings, Jehovah, Jesus. A time to remember how God came to earth, got His hands dirty and became human, in order to offer salvation once and for all to everyone. In our house we are enjoying Advent, but before we get all excited for Christmas there is a season that comes first, the eight days of Hanukkah. Oh Hanukkah. The Jewish festival of lights, of dedication, of God's provision. No, we are not Jewish. So, why do we celebrate this Jewish holiday? Many in our crazy culture could accuse us of "cultu...

At times we go through our day and our normal is just what we are used to. The fact that it is just Snowflake and her Mom is not a big deal. It has been our normal since mid 2013, over five years now. I've been divorced longer than I was married. Most of my parenting experience has been as a single mom. It is what it is and we live our lives. We laugh, we sing, we dance, we cook together, we do life as a small family. Then there are days when it is just discouraging. When I want to throw in the towel, when I absolutely, positively HATE our normal. I hate not having a partner for this parenting journey. I HATE having to make all the decisions alone. I hate it. I just hate it. It is hard. It is scary. It is exhausting. There is a LOT of self doubt, second guessing and feeling like a failure. There is the fear that I am totally screwing up my child. There is guilt. Being a parent is tough. Being a married parent has its struggles (though I'd trade mine for those any day). I sa...

Last night was rough at our house. The Snowflake girl did not want to behave and had to have consequences. Even at 6.5 years old she struggles to connect that consequences are for things she already did, not what she may or may not do in the future. I do my best to let the consequences match the behavior. So, she fell asleep mad at Mommy after crying herself to sleep because she was mad that after throwing things they had to go up on the closet shelf. There is a reason the Bible warns us to not let the sun go down on our anger. Snowflake is a prime example of why God through Paul warns us to fix things before we go to sleep. This morning was a continuation of last night. She didn't want to get up, she refused to eat breakfast, she refused to get dressed till 5 minutes before her school bell was going to ring. When I say refused, she didn't say "No Thank You". She had an all out tantrum. Hitting, kicking, it was not a pretty sight. She eventually got dressed and we...

This will not be a typical post.  It isn't about Snowflake. While this blog is mostly about my misadventures in single parenting,  it is also about my life. Sometimes that doesn't include parenting. So stick with me,  Snowflake posts will return.  I recently had a frank discussion with a trusted friend. She asked what I missed most about marriage.  She wanted me to describe three things.  1. Intimacy. Platonic intimacy. Feeling like I could be totally myself and was loved for it. 2. The friendship. Having the person I love the most, have fun with,  laugh with and can grow old with. Your spouse should be the person you enjoy spending the most time with.  3. The support. Be it financial, job related or child related. I miss having the support of my spouse. Often times I avoid talking about my ex because I am moving forward and focusing on today.  I am too busy to dwell.  I don't want to seem ungrateful for what is in my life....

Right now this is my life. My precious daughter is asleep beside me.  In the clothes she wore to school today because that's how we roll some days.  I have What's in the Bible with Buck Denver on,  because I am too tired and achy to get up and put in a non kid movie (I was going to say Adult film, but that didn't seem right as I'm not into XXX stuff). I treasure these moments,  listening to my daughter sleep.  Someday soon she will crave her privacy and start spreading her wings.  Till then I am taking all the cuddles I get.  Parenthood is a crazy dichotomy. I love watching her grow up acid seeing the kid she is and all she is doing,  all while I hate how quickly it is happening.  She has moved from little kid and is becoming a big kid. Then she will be a tween, teen and GULP a young adult! All in the blink of an eye. I plan to make the most of my moments,  to enjoy watching her be a kid and do kid things.  I will encourage ...

Someone had her game face on! What a nail biter last night's game was! A last second field goal by Crosby gave us (the Packers) the win! It was a fun, hard fought game. Good game by the 49er's back up QB. I could do a whole post about the Packers and my post game report  (oh look a pun), but that is not my intention.  As I sit here in the dark,  not wanting to admit I need to get up for the day and get going I have time to think.  Am I as excited to grow in godly wisdom and maturity as I am about silly things like sports and books? Am I teaching my daughter the right lessons,  lessons that will matter not just to help her navigate the adult world,  but for eternity? Our kids learn more by watching us than from what we say.  I do my Bible study devotions early in the morning while she is still asleep. We read a devotional and pray together,  should we be doing more? I think it is when we take the time to examine our parenting,  our per...

Well I slept a little bit after 430 this morning because I had a crazy dream.  I think what this dream taught me is maybe less CSI:Miami & NCIS on Hulu before falling asleep. Snowflake and I were home,  but in a different home.  A modular 650 square foot house.  It had a wrap around front porch with a porch swing. The house was a cozy log cabin. Out back (to the north) were the Big Horn Mountains and out front (south facing) was a view of the Atlantic Ocean (dream geography is fun). To our east about 1000 feet away was my best friend Crystal and her family.  They lived in a smaller scale Brady Bunch looking house painted to resemble a candy cane.  To my west my closest neighbor was half a mile away.  It  was Sam Hannah from NCIS:Los Angeles. Next to him were the Baxters from Last Man Standing.  Back to my house,  Snowflake and I are inside.  I'm doing homework for my last class of med school before I become a resident....

So many of us carry around a tanker full of guilt. We are loaded down with a weight that we are dragging. A weight that shouldn't be our burden.  Guilt can have its place. Guilt should lead us to repentance and seeking forgiveness. Then we need to let go of the guilt. If we are forgiven,  if we are living for Christ, if we striving to be men and women after God's own heart we don't need to be weighed down by guilt. So, if you are feeling guilty then search your heart, repent and let go. Soak up the light feeling of forgiveness and go serve Christ with new vigor!

As I look back on my posts I have not been posting twice a week like I should. I will endeavor to do better. I don't even have a good excuse. It is only October 2nd and already we have survived Strep Throat.  Nasty little bugger that strep. Cowboy Town has also been blessed with one day of a dusting of snow and I am already back to having to mow my lawn.  Nothing says Autumn in Wyoming like mowing a couple days after the snow blows through! Not too much is going down in our house.  Just work/school and evening activities.  I am enjoying this interlude of relative peace. If you are in a time of relative peace you should take advantage.  Rest up and gear up. The waters won't remain still forever. The more rest you get, the more time you spend with Christ the better prepared you will be for the storm when it comes to churn up your waters. I will leave you with a photo of Snowflake showing off her 3rd lost tooth.

There are days.  There are days when we wake up exhausted and get up anyway. There are days when we don't know how we will get through the frustrations. There are days when we hurt so much physically, but we push on. There are days when we feel like failures. There are days when the sun is bright, but shadowed by a personal storm cloud. There are days when we wonder if the bills will get paid.  There are days when our kids won't behave.  There are days when we try to hold it together and fall apart anyway.  Then there are days when we feel super productive. Then there are days when we have extra patience.  Then there are days when we feel good. Then there are days when our children are full of hugs,  laughter and helpfulness.  Then there are days when we find the $20 to pay that last bill and we can relax till next month.  Women have all the days. For all the exhaustion be a friend to another. For all the frustratio...

So in August we sadly bid adieu to our little grey cat.  Duchess. Duchess joined our family not long after we moved to Cowboy Town.  Duchess and my old cat Queenie quickly bonded. Which is a shock since Queenie wasn't the friendliest of cats. She was a diffident queen, set in her ways. Sadly, Queenie got sick in 2014 and went to cat Heaven.  So later that year Duke joined our family.  He was a mischievous,  energetic, silly and curious kitty. He has grown into a sweet,  adventurous,  fun cat.  He and Duchess are mostly sweet to each other and definitely bonded. For the last few years the 4 of us have been very happy together.  Duchess was more my cat and Duke is Snowflake's cat. So imagine my horror, sadness and shock to find Duchess escaped last month.  I was going to post about when early 1 morning, 24 hours after her disappearance when I am taking out the trash and find her dead on my deck. Before Snowflake wakes u...

In mid August my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. A big deal in a country where it is stated half of all marriages last less than 10 years. As a way to celebrate, my gift to my parents and our whole family, was to pay a professional photographer to take family photos. A way to commemorate having both daughters and all three grand kids in the same room. Originally we were going to have them taken outside at a local landmark. The backdrops would be fun and gorgeous, a mansion for some photos and the mountains for the rest. You can't beat God's artistry as a background for photos, and the mansion is just a fun local area for photos. Well, the weather decided to act up, and Mother Nature threw a little crying fest that morning (the only time we had available for photos) and forced us to relocate. So, we moved inside to our parents' living room. A room were many a photo has been taken. We stretched our photographer's creativity and willingness to work wit...

In just a few days hence my daughter, my darling Snowflake will be starting first grade. I am ready and I'm not ready. She thinks she is ready, but you can still see the nerves. Anything new can bring about some nerves till the routine is down. Nerves are ok. It is just part of life. What I'm not ready for is the fact that my daughter is growing up so quickly. It doesn't seem like that long ago and I was snuggling my sweet newborn in our home in Virginia. Then, she was bigger and HATED her crib. She just hated it. So as the picture shows we modified things for her and once more sleep happened. Then, we moved to Wyoming, where we live today. We moved and she began to really grow up. She was a cute as can be baby, but she grew to be a beautiful little girl with piercing blue eyes, but I know, I'm just a wee bit biased!  This little girl didn't stay little for very long. In a quick twist of time, she was a preschool kid. Full of love, wonder, silliness, zest f...

My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary with a party thrown by their awesome daughters. The older daughter and her family came out from Wisconsin to help celebrate. Snowflake and her 3 year old cousin Dude had a blast together.  When the family had to leave there were tears, lots of them. I get it. I grew up 2000 miles from my cousins.  It was hard to leave them. Cousins are the best. So today to console ourselves we turned on music and danced together.  Snowflake tried to teach me to dab but in order to teach something you must first know how to do it yourself. The Christian life is a lot like my daughter wanting to show me how to dab. Too often we fail to spend enough time in study & prayer getting to know Christ, and then we are asked a question and we flail not knowing the answer. Luckily there is a remedy,  it is dedicated time being with Jesus, it is communicating with Abba, it is reading the Bible.  Once we know Christ we ...

One of the battles Snowflake and I have fought over the last 4.5 years is with sleep. She started out life as the greatest sleeper in the history of baby sleep. Quickly she was sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time. When she was awake she was inquisitive, happy and fun. When she was asleep she was O-U-T, out! She could sleep in the bowling alley! I thought I had birthed the world's best sleeper. I did not deal with new mom exhaustion. I was blessed. AND THEN... Well it started when she was fourteen months old. When our life changed. People say that little humans are resilient, and they are, but they notice and respond to major life changes. They are human after all and trauma affects us all, age doesn't matter. The young, old and in between are all changed by traumatic events, and Snowflake, she has a background with trauma. It isn't easy to lose a parent at any age, when you are too young to understand why that parent vanished and then the other parent moves you to a brand ...

Last night a storm blew through town. 65 mile per hour wind gusts, pounding rain and reports of huge balls of hail north of town.  It moved through quickly but left its mark.  At my house the mark was drowned tree limbs and the glass on my storm door broke. My Saturday morning was spent cleaning up.  Cleaning up tiny shards of glass from a wooden deck is not my first idea of how to spend a lovely Saturday morning. Yet I did it because I wanted to protect my family from getting hurt and messes require clean up before growing into even bigger ones.  That is true of emotional storms as well. Many of the storms I've endured have required work in order to move on. It isn't always fun or easy, but cleaning up the emotional mess in our lives helps us move forward and protects our loved ones. If you don't deal with the glass shards of fear, shame, guilt, & unforgiveness your loved ones are at risk from a short temper, an inability to take care of them and more....

Oh summer.  You bring us the heat of Hell, hamburgers sizzling on the grill, kids splashing in sprinklers, the woderful aroma of sunscreen, tents in the backyard, cars loaded for cross country trips and ice cream melting down the cone. Summer also brings so much more. Lazy days that stretch on forever. Twilight taking her time to arrive and the slowly growing fruits and veggies in the garden. I am not a fan of heat. I melt in 70°F weather. I thrive in Winter.  The chillier the better. Still, I am learning to embrace with joy all that summer brings. I love evenings in the hammock with my Snowflake, watching her play with her water balloons or going for evenings walks around the 'hood. Lazy summer days are not so bad. It's only taken me 30+ years to reach this monumental conclusion!

Many of us fight this battle.  The battle of social anxiety.  Our brains lie to us. They tell us what isn't true, bit to the point that we believe it. Social anxiety makes it hard to function, keeps from doing things we may otherwise enjoy.  Others of us battle PTS, post-traumatic stress.  This is not the feeling you get after a scary dream or an adrenaline rush.  PTS occurs 30+ days after a traumatic event.  It can last for days, weeks, months or years (if not treated). It is debilitating and awful. Many fight both battles each once feeding the other.  Mental health is important and not to be taken lightly. Mental and emotional struggles are not a sign of weakness, they do not mean you are "crazy". We live in fallen, sinful, broken world.  It is not as it once was nor as it will be when God restores it. There is hope because whatever struggles we face, no matter hope much of our life we have to battle, it is all temporary.  With death ...

I apologize for my month long absence. I will endeavor to be more faithful.  I can hardly believe that summer is half over. Back to school ads are filling up TV, the WWW and social media. All to remind me that time marches ever onward.  It has been a quieter summer, I am working pretty much full time while trying to give Snowflake some fun summer memories. My childhood is full of summer travel memories. Alas, that is not to be for my child, as my job pays the bills but not any frills. Still, I am thankful for my job and the people I work with. It is a great place to be. This week is VBS at our church. 4 evenings of Jesus, Joy and fun. My Snowflake loves VBS. She will be reciting the verses and doing the hand motions to the songs all year.  I love that it is a fun way to learn about Jesus. That's what I don't get.  As adults we tend to take the fun out of our faith. We were created by God and He has a terrific sense of fun. Have you seen some of the crazy an...

We are well into summer break right now.  Every day that goes by is one day closer to school resuming and that means I have to admit that I no longer have a kindergarten kiddo. I have a first grader.  Wasn't it just yesterday when she came home from the hospital? This sweet baby quickly grew into a quiet but fun toddler. Before I knew it she was keeping me guessing just what kind of shenanigans would happen when I dared to blink my eyes! Those days seemed long but the weeks and years flew. My toddler became a talkative, inquisitive, loving, fun preschooler. Oh the days before mandatory school. Days of freedom and so much Mom/Snowflake time.  And then it happened! My little girl was a school kid! She bravely started Kindergarten. I shed more tears than she did.  A new milestone for her journey.  Just like that her 1st school year is over and we are in the midst of summer.  Don't get me wrong, I am loving this journey and this kid.  I am...

I apologize, it has been a month since I last shared some thoughts.  The month went by quickly! A month of growth, daily stuff and life lessons from God.  Here in the wild west, where we have a bar or brewery on every block downtown, Spring has finally arrived.  Longer days, fewer blankets on the beds and birds singing.  This winter gal has to admit there are a few perks to Spring.  My RA has been flaring up and bringing forth a few new symptoms.  Not fun ones either like weight loss and thick curly hair.  Nope.  I get itchy rashes all over.  So, we add Benedryl to my pill count.  RA is one of the yucky things in my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I grew up listening to bands like 4Him. On one of their old albums (Face the Nation) is a song simply titled, "Why". It is about asking God why some people are forced to go through so much yuck. I'm not typically a why me person, but that song has always stuck with me....

First, I should point out that many doctors now call it Rheumatoid Disease because it is an auto-immune disorder it isn't the same as what happens in normal joints as we age.  So RA/RD whatever we call it I was "blessed" or cursed with it. It is awful.  It is miserable.  It is a life changer.  Out of necessity my life is planned around my disease. I try to not let rule my life but I have learned if I don't listen to my body I will be worse off. I can only physically do so much.  Take today.  It was a good thing I didn't have to be at work.  I was home in bed.  Crying in pain after taking my legally prescribed high dose pain pills.  I tried ice.  I tried a shower.  The shower is normally my best bet, but then it took 23 minutes to get dry and in pjs. RA/RD affects so much.  I get so weary of it. Yet, I am also thankful.  Not for having it, that would be crazy, but for what it has taught me and is teaching my daughter....

Parenting is beautiful. It is middle of the day, just because hugs. It is art projects brought home that say, “I love you.” It is watching and helping them achieve milestones. It is playing together, laughing together and creating memories together. Parenting is ugly. It is middle of Home Depot tantrums because the child is B-O-R-E-D bored and hungry and you have been there for 1.78 hours, in the same part of the store. It is discipling the child because they need to know that disrespecting their elders is not ok. It is getting them to admit the truth when they’ve been telling a lie. It is finding 4 week old milk under their bed. It is cleaning up diaper blowouts in the middle of a road trip. It is praying they get back on the straight and narrow when they’ve veered off and become “wild” Parenting is mundane. It is helping them write their anchor (spelling) words 3 times each, figuring out the new math or helping with the dreaded science fair project. It is singing the same song...

For unto us a child was born.  Unto us a SAVIOR was given.  Christmas and Easter go hand in hand. The baby in the manger grew up to be the perfect Son of God, the Lamb without blemish who allowed Himself to be our reconciliation to God.  He died and He rose again! Happy Easter and Hossanah! Growing up our Savior was perfect.  He obeyed perfectly. Mary and Joseph asked Him to do something, He did it. His chores were done quickly and Mary could nap knowing Jesus would not cause trouble.  My child on the other hand.  Let's just say she resembles Adam and Eve more than Christ.  You want an example? Sunday is a good example.  Yesterday we made it to church and then Snowflake had earned a ticket for being super helpful all day Saturday.  She redeemed it for lunch at McDonald's after church. We went. While there my head started to really hurt and BAM! Just like that the aura before the migraine.  Add on the early stages of a child dev...

I know, it should be obvious but let me state it anyway. I can't stop time. You can't stop time. Time stops for no one. Six years ago I gave birth to my sweet, stubborn, strong willed, smart, sassy, silly, creative and loving Snowflake. I know it has been six years, but it is hard to deal with. Together we have walked the path abandonment and betrayal. I lost my husband and she lost her daddy. We went from a family of 3 and trying for our 4th family member to a family of 2. We moved 2000 miles across the country and started life anew. We began to grieve our loss and grow into the new family and individuals that we were becoming. Life changed through pain but we chose not to be mired in the pain. It has been five years now. Five years of living. Five years of gaining perspective on all that precipitated the pain. Five years of growing. Five years of laughter. Five years of love. Five years of being a duo. Five years for me being a single mom. Motherhood is an amazing, ch...

I yell, I lose my temper, I don't always budget and follow it perfectly.  I need to shed 45 pounds.  Snowflake's lunch is not always a perfect balance of the food groups.  My fashion sense can best be described as "comfortable".  I don't always have long prayers or spend as much time in Scripture as I'd like.  Snowflake's baths are sometimes hurried and I forget to remind her to brush her teeth. I am far from perfect.  I feel at times like I am screwing up.  Especially when I hear from the school, "Your daughter got impatient & head butted a kid." Then, I remember all the snuggles and cuddles.  The "I love you more"s. The kind things she does for me and others.  She is not perfect.  She has my temper. She is quick to realize her errors and apologize.  It is ok for her to have bad days. They are natural.  It doesn't mean I am a parenting failure.  It is ok for me to have bad days.  Bad days are a sign of huma...

Being a single parent is not easy.  There is a reason God designed families to have 2 parents.  It is 24/7/365. You are always a parent.  1:30 am coughing fit and you are up taking care of it. You are still up at 2:37 am trying to coax the child back to sleep knowing that at 6:45 am the alarm clock will obnoxiously signal time for the new day to begin. Not to mention single parents carry the whole weight. Single parents can not "tag" out and let the other one handle it for a wee bit.  As a single parent with no child support that also means I am her only source of income.  Everything rests on my shoulders. I want to raise a child who grows into a woman of Biblical character.  While I am her sole parent I am not doing this alone.  The secret for single parents is to remember truth at 2:47 am.  Remember the tribe you have around you.  You have friends willing to help, and if you are so blessed you have family too. They may not be there in t...