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I Can't Stop Time

I know, it should be obvious but let me state it anyway. I can't stop time. You can't stop time. Time stops for no one.

Six years ago I gave birth to my sweet, stubborn, strong willed, smart, sassy, silly, creative and loving Snowflake. I know it has been six years, but it is hard to deal with.

Together we have walked the path abandonment and betrayal. I lost my husband and she lost her daddy. We went from a family of 3 and trying for our 4th family member to a family of 2.

We moved 2000 miles across the country and started life anew. We began to grieve our loss and grow into the new family and individuals that we were becoming. Life changed through pain but we chose not to be mired in the pain.

It has been five years now. Five years of living. Five years of gaining perspective on all that precipitated the pain. Five years of growing. Five years of laughter. Five years of love. Five years of being a duo. Five years for me being a single mom. Motherhood is an amazing, challenging, often frustrating and very wonderful calling. I cherish my role as Snowflake's mom. She is a great kid. She is mine!

Being a single mom though, that is tough. It is lonely. It can be scary. It is frustrating. I second guess myself all the time and get so mad at myself when I feel like I failed to remain perfectly patient and calm, when I've raised my voice. I am NOT a perfect mom and I hate when mine imperfections affect my daughter. I want to be perfect for her because I love her. I'm my own worst critic, and not having a partner to bounce things off of is tough.

In these five years since I became a single mom and the six years since my daughter was born I have intentionally surrounded myself (as much as this introvert wants to be surrounded...i.e. I have GREAT text conversations) with fellow moms, great friends and wonderful people. People who get how tough parenting can be in the best of circumstances, people who understand my Snowflake's personality and get that her unique qualities can make it even harder to parent.

I am so thankful for my friends. They keep me on track, call me on my crap and help me enjoy this adventure called life. They will (I'm sure) be here for me when we are gimping around with our walkers creating havoc.

In the five years since life was turned inside out and upside Snowflake and I have adjusted to what has become our new normal. Our mornings are as hectic as anyone else's. Our evenings include dinner, homework, bath time and reading. I tuck her in her bed and sing her the little songs I wrote her when she was a baby. I am picky about activities. I do not want us to be a family that lives in our van running from activity to activity. Church, swimming lessons and American Heritage Girls are our things for now. That leaves a lot of time for us to enjoy being together, for sleep overs and time with the grand parents.

Life throws lots of curves but it is a blessed life, a blessed adventure, a joyful going from day to day.

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