Discussions We Avoid

This will not be a typical post. It isn't about Snowflake. While this blog is mostly about my misadventures in single parenting, it is also about my life. Sometimes that doesn't include parenting. So stick with me, Snowflake posts will return.

I recently had a frank discussion with a trusted friend. She asked what I missed most about marriage. She wanted me to describe three things.

1. Intimacy. Platonic intimacy. Feeling like I could be totally myself and was loved for it.

2. The friendship. Having the person I love the most, have fun with, laugh with and can grow old with. Your spouse should be the person you enjoy spending the most time with.

3. The support. Be it financial, job related or child related. I miss having the support of my spouse.

Often times I avoid talking about my ex because I am moving forward and focusing on today. I am too busy to dwell. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what is in my life. And people act like I was wrong to love him, I am wrong to still let him have a piece of my heart.

I wasn't and I'm not. Without him I wouldn't have my daughter. I couldn't ever have imagined how things would go. Yes, he did some abominable things and he should face consequences. Yes, I am where I need to be, but I am not a person that hates. I won't hate him.

I love the memories I have of our wedding, of our first night home with Snowflake, of date nights and passing the time in a blackout. He has a piece of my heart.

That doesn't mean I condone what he did, or that I am stuck. I have a great life and he isn't in it.

Life is strange, but it is precious. It is weird and beautiful. Just go with it and enjoy the scenery!

Comments

No Sleep & A Friend Who Gets it!

One of the battles Snowflake and I have fought over the last 4.5 years is with sleep. She started out life as the greatest sleeper in the history of baby sleep. Quickly she was sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time. When she was awake she was inquisitive, happy and fun. When she was asleep she was O-U-T, out! She could sleep in the bowling alley! I thought I had birthed the world's best sleeper. I did not deal with new mom exhaustion. I was blessed. AND THEN... Well it started when she was fourteen months old. When our life changed. People say that little humans are resilient, and they are, but they notice and respond to major life changes. They are human after all and trauma affects us all, age doesn't matter. The young, old and in between are all changed by traumatic events, and Snowflake, she has a background with trauma. It isn't easy to lose a parent at any age, when you are too young to understand why that parent vanished and then the other parent moves you to a brand ...

Keeping it at His Feet

I love to pray. I love to just talk to Jesus. He really is my best friend. It amazes me that He knows me, knows all my secrets, my failures, my inadequate times, my sins and He loves me. He truely loves me. He doesn't love me less than He did when I was younger and skinnier. He knows what I need to work on but He won't love me more when I purge some sin struggles. He loves me completely and fully right now. He pursued me. He was beaten, tortured, mocked and brutally killed for me! My name was on His heart when He obeyed the Father on that terrible day. I can never thank Him enough. I can't get enough of Him. I just love talking to God, the one I can trust with all my tears, fears, doubts, worries and hopes. I am really good at taking things to Him. One thing I am working on is leaving it there. I tend to want to take back my fears, worries and doubts. I want to see the future so I know if He says "yes" to my hopes. My big prayer ...

I Want Better

You tell me I'm a "Deplorable" because I support Capitalism. You tell me I am dumb and backward and anti-choice because I support adoption, abstinence and condoms. You call me heartless when I want secure borders. You ridicule and mock my religion that is based on love and forgiveness. You scream that I'm killing the globe when I throw away my trash. That is just fine. You say you want equal rights, so do I. It is fine because I want more for my daughter. I want more than bread lines and government issued food. I want more for her than the guilt, cancer risks and infertility risks of abortion. I want more than allowing terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and child predators into my country (we have enough already). I want more for my daughter than a faith built on chaos and chance. I support a God who loves, forgives, guides and offers a joy filled eternity. I want a clean earth, I'm all for recycling, but I want more for my daughter than spending all of our prec...

Snowflakes and Joy

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