Discussions We Avoid

This will not be a typical post. It isn't about Snowflake. While this blog is mostly about my misadventures in single parenting, it is also about my life. Sometimes that doesn't include parenting. So stick with me, Snowflake posts will return.

I recently had a frank discussion with a trusted friend. She asked what I missed most about marriage. She wanted me to describe three things.

1. Intimacy. Platonic intimacy. Feeling like I could be totally myself and was loved for it.

2. The friendship. Having the person I love the most, have fun with, laugh with and can grow old with. Your spouse should be the person you enjoy spending the most time with.

3. The support. Be it financial, job related or child related. I miss having the support of my spouse.

Often times I avoid talking about my ex because I am moving forward and focusing on today. I am too busy to dwell. I don't want to seem ungrateful for what is in my life. And people act like I was wrong to love him, I am wrong to still let him have a piece of my heart.

I wasn't and I'm not. Without him I wouldn't have my daughter. I couldn't ever have imagined how things would go. Yes, he did some abominable things and he should face consequences. Yes, I am where I need to be, but I am not a person that hates. I won't hate him.

I love the memories I have of our wedding, of our first night home with Snowflake, of date nights and passing the time in a blackout. He has a piece of my heart.

That doesn't mean I condone what he did, or that I am stuck. I have a great life and he isn't in it.

Life is strange, but it is precious. It is weird and beautiful. Just go with it and enjoy the scenery!

Comments

No Sleep & A Friend Who Gets it!

One of the battles Snowflake and I have fought over the last 4.5 years is with sleep. She started out life as the greatest sleeper in the history of baby sleep. Quickly she was sleeping for 4-5 hours at a time. When she was awake she was inquisitive, happy and fun. When she was asleep she was O-U-T, out! She could sleep in the bowling alley! I thought I had birthed the world's best sleeper. I did not deal with new mom exhaustion. I was blessed. AND THEN... Well it started when she was fourteen months old. When our life changed. People say that little humans are resilient, and they are, but they notice and respond to major life changes. They are human after all and trauma affects us all, age doesn't matter. The young, old and in between are all changed by traumatic events, and Snowflake, she has a background with trauma. It isn't easy to lose a parent at any age, when you are too young to understand why that parent vanished and then the other parent moves you to a brand ...

Fatigue is Evil

In 2009 while at seminary I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and its bedfellow Chronic Fatigue. Finally after years and multiple misdiagnosis issues, I had answers. I could put a name to what my body was doing. It isn't pretty folks. And no, I'm not too young. RA can hit anyone at any age. I can cope with the pain. I have strategies for that. What I really hate the most is the fatigue. Fatigue is not just being tired or sleepy. This is more. Imagine carrying an 80 pound pack up your state's tallest peak with no training. Picture yourself at the top. That is not even enough. Fatigue is in your bones, in your head, your muscles, each cell is weary, beyond weary. Fatigue is part of many other disorders. For those with pain disorders part of it comes from being in pain ALL. THE. TIME. The pain can sometimes be masked, but it is a partner for life. What is the hardest is being this weary and not able to go on walks, to ...

Family Photos & Back to School Photos

In mid August my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. A big deal in a country where it is stated half of all marriages last less than 10 years. As a way to celebrate, my gift to my parents and our whole family, was to pay a professional photographer to take family photos. A way to commemorate having both daughters and all three grand kids in the same room. Originally we were going to have them taken outside at a local landmark. The backdrops would be fun and gorgeous, a mansion for some photos and the mountains for the rest. You can't beat God's artistry as a background for photos, and the mansion is just a fun local area for photos. Well, the weather decided to act up, and Mother Nature threw a little crying fest that morning (the only time we had available for photos) and forced us to relocate. So, we moved inside to our parents' living room. A room were many a photo has been taken. We stretched our photographer's creativity and willingness to work wit...

Snowflakes and Joy

Search This Blog