Snowflakes and Joy

My sophmore book has been titled Joyfully Attempting Life. I love the title. Joy is my life goal. Joy encompasses so much.  Joy is rooted in faith and peace. Joy springs up out of love. Joy is salvation. Joy is huge. Joy is not dependent upon current situations.  Joy is a gift from God.  I choose to accept the gift. Why Attempting Life? In one way I get it I am living life, but I chose attempting because everyday my goal is to sin less and love better. I am attempting to live that out.  There are days I totally fail and fall flat on my face (metaphorically and really). Through Christ I am able to get up and try again. I am Joyfully Attempting Life. Joyfully After All was hard to publish.  To read through my journals and experience that segment of my story again was rough.  It was cathartic too. I published because in 2002 there were no good first hand accounts of how a Christian dealt with rape. I am a reader.  Connecting to characters is what I do.  When I most needed someone ther

In less than 2 months it will be 5 years.  5 years since I last hugged my husband.  5 years since we shared a bed.  5 years since he held his daughter.  5 long years. "It is time to move on" they say.  "You should have been over him a long time ago." they say. "You've been seperated or divorced longer than you were married. " they say.  "Think about what he did. " they say. Trust me I know quite well what he did.  I live with the shame of being the unknowing wife.  I am well aware of his sins.  I deal with the consequences of his sins. Yes, we are divorced.  Yes it has been 5 years.  Grief is not an event with a stopwatch.  Grief is not a linear journey.  I am doing much better.  I also have my rough times. I loved him with all my heart.  I would not have married him otherwise.  My daughter is full of his DNA. Biologically she is half him.  I see him in her.  That is not a bad thing. I did not marry a monster.  I married a fellow hu

 Snowflake made me this get better heart with her favorite Olaf button.  She framed it for me too. I love her kind nature.  All ready for my 1st day at my new job!  I have the miserable and dreaded flu virus that is sweeping the nation. It is not much fun at all. It is misery on many levels.  The silver lining is that it has given this writer time to think.  January has been extremely busy. I blinked and next week we hit February.   As I have been pondering I have been strolling down memory lane with the aid of photos.  A lot of photos from my seminary years.   I loved seminary.  Those were some amazing years.  It isn't that we did anything extraordinary.  It was the people.  God gifted me with cousins just an easy peasy 3 hour drive south.  Right in town though was a group of friends that I cherish today.  So much kindness, laughter and friendship.   Getting back to my cousins, they are wonderful people and not just because we are family.  They are genuinely nice peo

 Tonight was one of those nights when I needed a pep talk.  I needed to remember that both Snowflake and I are human and we will both screw up and she is just 6 years old.  We are both allowed to have bad days. Unfortunately this was not just a bad day.  It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! Alexander has nothing on Snowflake! Luckily all bad days end and we have the promise of a new day and a new chance at an awesome, wonderful, very good day. One horrible day is not a sign of who we are, we just can't stay stuck in a cycle of days like today.  They happen.  So do great days.  Parenting (I am learning) is about helping a little person grow into a big person knowing how to handle all types of days.  It is about modeling seeking forgiveness and forgiving. It is about patience, mercy and grace. None of us are going to perfectly parent every day. Days like today in our house can be learning points for both of us.  No kid is perfect.  We are all just imperfect peopl

Mortality is not something most of us like to ponder, but dying is something that happens to all of us. For many it will be a shock and happen at a most unexpected time. Others will get to live a long life and peacefully die at home in bed. As I ponder my own mortality I can't help but want to write about it. I am a writer after all. What words do I want to leave behind? What last piece of advice do I want to share with the world? For some reason our culture places a big emphasis on last words as if they are more profound than anything else. I want my daughter to know that my love for her is so deep she can't imagine.  After salvation she is the most wonderful gift I have ever been given.  No matter what my love will never change.  Into infinity, into Heaven I love her.  I want her to live a life that honors Christ and has a positive impact on eternity.  To know the joy of a deep and intimate relationship with Christ our Savior. I want her to work hard, to set goals and ach

I love to pray.  I love to just talk to Jesus.  He really is my best friend.  It amazes me that He knows me, knows all my secrets, my failures, my inadequate times, my sins and He loves me. He truely loves me. He doesn't love me less than He did when I was younger and skinnier.  He knows what I need to work on but He won't love me more when I purge some sin struggles.  He loves me completely and fully right now. He pursued me. He was beaten, tortured, mocked and brutally killed for me! My name was on His heart when He obeyed the Father on that terrible day. I can never thank Him enough.  I can't get enough of Him. I just love talking to God, the one I can trust with all my tears, fears, doubts, worries and hopes. I am really good at taking things to Him.  One thing I am working on is leaving it there.  I tend to want to take back my fears, worries and doubts. I want to see the future so I know if He says "yes" to my hopes. My big prayer is to complete ou

Some people battle on battlefields. Some people fight in a ring or on ice. Others battle for the best news article. My worst enemy, my biggest fight is with sleep.  I have a trifecta: insomnia, RA & PTSD. Just for fun almost 5 years ago my darling daughter decided at the wise age of 15 months that she didn't need sleep. Sleep is for mere mortals, not Super Snowflake! In reality her sleep problems began when she lost her Dad & moved.  Don't tell me young kids can't feel trauma.  I live with proof that they can. Fast forward from 2013 to 2018 and we both still struggle to put together 6 good hours.  More often we are functioning on less.  Not thriving but functioning. Christmas break has been marvelous.  She has been able to sleep as late as she needs. Twice in the 16 days she even slept for almost 12 hours! It was beautiful.  Now that we are back in the school groove I am praying we can get her sleep sorted.  I learned that she will sleep till 9am, that just do

Yesterday I had a headache.  The type of headache you should not ignore.  Well ignore it I did.  One thing Ms. RA has taught me is to live life through the pain.  I ignored the pain in order to go with my Mom to see The Greatest Showman. The music was incredible.  The acting drew you in.  The story was one of hope and perseverance.  You don't give up on your dreams, you work to turn them into reality and in so doing you can influence others. I enjoyed the show immensely.  It was worth the price of admission and the migraine I left with.  I would not say that about many movies.  While this will be fun to watch on tv in years to come it was worth it to see it on the big screen for the first time. That was my yesterday.  Earlier in the week my Snowflake celebrated her 6th birthday. Boy does time fly.  My daughter is 6! Halfway through Kindergarten. She is independent, sassy, sweet, smart, silly, fun & caring. Her request for the afternoon showed just how much we are alike.