Snowflakes and Joy

Have you ever felt like you are paying for someone else's mistakes or bad choices? I have.  My daughter is.  Her dad chose to do some pretty vile things and is in prison for 70ish years.  Basically life. Those outside the prison gates, his family, are left to pick up the pieces and carry on.  We must soldier through the hurt and disillusionment. The fear, guilt, shame and questions.  Our lives continue on knowing this man was not who he said he was, and has hurt many people. His daughter is a big part of that.  She is now growing up without him.  At some point she will have to know the truth.  When she is older she may want to go visit him.  I will support her if she does and even go with her.  I will support her if she does not. Right now and for the rest of our lives we are paying for his choices.  Our journey had changed greatly.  Our family broke. It is up to me to model how to handle the change. Thankfully I am not alone.  I have the Bible and the Holy Spirit to help a

A gal at church is dying.  She has fought a tough battle with cancer and God has chosen to heal her, not be removing the cancer but by calling her home, to her real home, with Him in Glory.  She leaves behind so many lives she has touched. Not just her family, though the earthly good bye for them will be the toughest. All of us who have been privileged to know her have been touched. She has fought with grace and dignity. She has shown her love and faith in our Savior. I am sure when she wakes up in Heaven she will hear the treasured words, "Well done" and "Welcome home!" For her it will be the best day.  For those still here it can be the worst day.  Death does that and it is OK. It is ok and good to grieve.  To cry our hearts out, to mourn. GOD as Jesus wept over death. We can too. Death is final.  It is good-bye. No more will memories be made of the one who died, there just is what we have to cherish. No more hugs or phone calls. No more nagging and getting

You are not an "easy" child.  You have a strong will.  We butt heads often. Over interesting things, things that as an adult seem minor, but are not minor to you.  It can be tough, the battles over leaving somewhere, not getting what you want, just a myriad of things. I get angry and frustrated.  I' ve seen you at your worst. You have seen me at my worst.  At the end of the day we are a family.  We love each other and we are here for each other. That strong will you have is a good thing.  Jesus gave it to you.  It will serve you well in the years and decades to come.  Use it to persevere through hard times.  Use it to overcome struggles. Use it to defend others and fight for what is right. A strong will dedicated to God is great.  I promise.  Learn to use this amazing personality Abba gave you.  You have so much to offer others.  You are kind.  You are smart.  You are fun.  Even when I get frustrated I am proud of you for standing up for what you want. Joy comes

For the last 3.5 years I have worked at a local residential treatment facility for adjudicated youth (both boys and girls). A majority of our students are court ordered and have substance abuse and trauma backgrounds.  They are from various states in this great country.  God has given me a heart for these kids that many people (including some of their parents) have given up on trying to help.  We don't give up on them because God hasn't. Well, that chapter in my life is over, for a variety of reasons and it is time to start the new chapter (which is blank at the moment). It is exciting and scary to move on.  It is also good. I have a chance to widen my sphere of influence, to meet new people. To find new hearts to pray for. Just as this swing is still and waiting to be used, it is my turn to be still and wait for God to direct me. To conserve my energy.  To be here and ready to go. Joy comes when we learn to embrace change and let God love us and guide us through.

I didn't snap a photo.  Which is abnormal for me.  I take 8 gazillion photos because 5 concussions leaves marks.  They have affected my memory. I have memories but I have blank areas too. Things that normal people remember but I don't.  I use pictures too help. Today I walked with Snowflake to school.  At the edge of the neighborhood/ start of the school property I let her walk on by herself as I watched. She looked so small yet so confident walking to the playground.  My little girl, walking to school.  Growing up.  It wasn't just any kid walking on that sidewalk, it was my heart. Today it struck me just how quickly she is growing up now that she is in school. Things are changing.  It is good and it is natural.  I want her to be strong and independent. I want her to have confidence. I want her to enjoy this phase of life. Yet, that is my baby. I know her fears and worries. I know what bothers her.  I know what is behind the smile.  I know what she has overcome and

This morning was a special one.  Our church has started what will be an annual tradition, giving Bibles to Kindergarteners. I thought it was a really cool idea.  So did Snowflake.  She loved going up on stage, hearing her name and receiving a big Bible with her name in it. After, we went out to the hallway and before going to class we sat down and looked through her new, pink Bible. It has great illustrations and looks to be a Bible to grow up with.  One to pass down to her daughter someday  (decades from now). I have been praying about and contemplating a new Bible myself.  I have been using my Precious Moments Bible, which is great but I want more of a study Bible and I prefer not the NIV. NASB is my favorite. Then, I happened upon this gem. Not NASB, but... The She Reads Truth Bible.  It comes in linen, imitation leather and real leather. It has study guides, charts and maps. It looks like a great Bible.  I think I may have found it.  My new Bible. I haven't ordered

This photo sums up my life right now.  Messy and blessed.  This is my Snowflake's version of a clean room. "Mommy all my snuggle buddies are near each other. Like with like Mommy." In my eyes this room is the scene of a category 2 hurricane. The bed is a disaster, the animals escaped their pen, the rug has been displaced, and on and on!  I could not function in there. Somehow my precious child can go into that disaster zone and her imagination takes over and she has fun! So even in this mess I see blessings. This picture is in our home. We have a cozy in the wind and rain home.  We have beds and blankets, closets full of clothes. We have: toys, books, games, puzzles, movies and a plethora of things.  So much so that I have been purging lately. Our pantry and fridge are full. I don't take any of this for granted.  It can all be gone in the blink of an eye.  Fire, tornado, flood, robbery, you name it. Disasters can happen. Joy comes when we realize that it i

So Snowflake wanted to read for her cousin who lives 1000ish miles away.  Luckily we live in the 21st century and I am quite adept with my smart phone camera.  😂 We made a video.  I thought I would share it here too.  Reading is one of my favorite activities, so I just love listening to my Snowflake read.

This morning was rough.  It was just one of those days.  All people have them.  Days when you don't want to do what you have to do.  When you are 5 and having a morning like ours that translates into stubbornness and struggles.  When you are in your 30's it means under the breath mummbles and grummbles. I admit, we were both cranky and feeding off of the other person's crank. As I dropped my girl off at school (right as the last bell rang... ugh) neither of us wanted our time together to end. So, she got a few extra hugs and I left her, praying that being at school with her friends and the teacher she loves would help her day and mood improve. We are not always going to have good days. Sometimes the days are going to be trudging through the muck, fighting for every step forward, maybe even falling and getting dirty. It is OK! Just don't stay there.  Get up, shower off, do what you need to do to move on & feel better. Apologize if your cranky affected others

In so many ways this child is my "mini-me", but in just as many other ways we are vastly different. It has been fun to watch her grow and become Snowflake.  To see her interests and hobbies emerge. Just like her Mom, she loves comfy & cuddly clothes at night. This outfit sums up her personality.  Fun with flair and cozy.  Exciting and comforting. While I gravitate more toward Peanuts, Pooh Bear and Calvin and Hobbes, Snowflake chooses: My Little Pony, Shopkins and Paw Patrol. We both agree on the awesomeness of the Berenstain Bears. I have always wanted to be a mom.  As a kid I pictured myself as a stay at home mom and wife.  We would have 3 kids, 2 dogs and 1 cat. Once the kids were all in school I would either be a substitute teacher or a counselor working from home. My reality is not what I pictured, dreamed of and prayed for.  My daughter spent her early years in daycare. My ex is in prison for life and our family is: Mom, daughter and 2 cats. I had to gri

In 2009 while at seminary I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and its bedfellow Chronic Fatigue. Finally after years and multiple misdiagnosis issues, I had answers.  I could put a name to what my body was doing.  It isn't pretty folks. And no, I'm not too young.  RA can hit anyone at any age. I can cope with the pain. I have strategies for that.  What I really hate the most is the fatigue.  Fatigue is not just being tired or sleepy.  This is more.  Imagine carrying an 80 pound pack up your state's tallest peak with no training.  Picture yourself at the top. That is not even enough.  Fatigue is in your bones, in your head, your muscles, each cell is weary, beyond weary. Fatigue is part of many other disorders.  For those with pain disorders part of it comes from being in pain ALL. THE. TIME. The pain can sometimes be masked, but it is a partner for life. What is the hardest is being this weary and not able to go on walks, to the park, our play with my daughter.

This smile, the giggle that went with it, this is why I couldn't give up in 2013. When almost everything was taken from me, when my husband was forced to leave us (due to his choices), I was tempted to give in to my depression, fear and shame. I couldn't though.  I had this sweet and innocent child depending on me. I was all she had as a parent.  God used her to keep my head above water. I might have been about to go under, but God used my role as Mom to help me. Having her reminded me that it would be foolish to run from Abba. So, during my horrific struggles I chose to run to God. That made all the difference! I was able to do what needed to be done, Snowflake and I survived and now, almost 5 years later we are still a family of 2 (& 2 cats) but we have a plethora of blessings. We have assurance that God is near to us. Joy comes when we don't give up. It comes when we find the one thing to keep us going and we clung to it.  Let God give us that motivation. Loo

Sunday was a busy day in our household.  It started with church.  Snowflake learned about David and Goliath and the power of faith and trust.  I got to hang out in the nursery and rock to sleep a sweet infant.  It was precious, a blessed morning. And then there was the eventful Packer game.  The game started off with our quarterback receiving a season ending injury.  It went downhill from there.  Turns out when God designed our collarbone He did not make it totally tackle proof! Shucks! The part of America that isn't boycotting the crazy NFL is full of chatter about the Pack's chances for a Super bowl win with our star QB gone. Most believe our hopes are in vain now. Personally, I am not giving up. Maybe Hundley will raise to the occasion. There is a lot of football left. I digress.  This is NOT a football blog.  Though I love my Packers! This is a "Welcone to our world" blog. Today, Snowflake and I visited a local car dealership.  She found what she w

As a parent of a creatively ingenious and a bit naughty child, I often return from the bathroom to find something had happened in the last 48 seconds. Yesterday it was milk poured into the hot chocolate powder to create "Hot chocolate soup. But Mommy it isn't very soupy. It is yummy." We talked about the naughty side of what she did, but then the powder was still ruined.  We couldn't fix this, so she got to have the fruits of her labor (& then took a bath. Cold hot chocolate soup enjoyed with a ladle is quite messy). But, it means that for the next couple of weeks she will not get any hot chocolate. God disciplines us in many ways.  Just as I allowed Snowflake to enjoy her naughtily made concoction, God may allow us the "pleasure" of our sin, but then we face consequences later, when that bad choice led to not having something better in the future. Discipline isn't to make us mad or deprive us. It is to teach us, to grow us. Discipline teache

 The other day we were at the country kid version of a shopping mall. We visited the local Wal-Mart. We purchased groceries, toiletries and a few odds and ends.  All in one store! Isn't life in the 21st century grand? Right at the entrance is a big bin of these animal masks. Snowflake put 1 on and said, "Guess who it is! I bet you don't know it is me. I look just like a bear panda." How often have I put on a "mask" and pretended to be someone I was not  (or pretended to feel a way I did not feel)? Often. Too often I lie. When I'm asked "How are you?" I lie and say, "I'm good." Or "I'm fine." When the opposite is true. I can be deep in a pit and still wanting to put on that mask of having it all figured out. I fear just as Snowflake was easily recognizable, so are my silly words. Why do we pretend? We all have our reasons. For me, it isn't wanting to bother others with my struggles. Or not knowing how to

She is my darling and I love her.  I love her strong will, even while I butt up against it.  She will need that strength to get through the rough patches of life. This morning it was out in full force.  She was not going to give in for anything. If I had told her to take $1000.00 and buy her favorite toys she would have whined, stomped her foot and refused. How often are we like that toward God? He wants to help us obey and be the best versions of ourselves and we flat out refuse? We take a little bit of discipline and get mad and hurt and then waste time refusing to do what He asks, when doing what we need to do would take less time than arguing? Self-discipline and a spirit willing to do the right thing will lead to joy.  God wants to give us joy, but we have to clean up our act first.  We have to give Him our obedience, not for salvation, for salvation is only dependent upon faith, but for our ability to receive the good gifts He has for us.

Joy is not easy.  Joy can be hard won.  Joy is nit happiness. Joy is choosing to focus on the eternal when the chaos of the temporal is wrecking havoc. Joy is knowing that we are just travelers and this life is our journey. There will be pot holes, broken tires and blown engines along the way. There will also be spectacular views and extraordinary stops. It helps to have the right traveling companions. I am blessed in that I have a grwat back seat driver, my five and a year old daughter, Snowflake. I hate how our culture has taken the term snowflake to be derogatory. For me, I gave her the nickname because she is: one of a kind, beautiful, fragile yet resilient, and created with love by our Creator. But, I digress. My journey has been full of twists and turns. I have had my times on the side of the road needing help. At 18 I was raped by 2 men in my college apartment. One of them left me pregnant (confirmed that on my 19th birthday). By that Spring I miscarried and attempted suic